can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
