You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
