can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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