When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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