dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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