Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
