Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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