dude i'm inner monologue high
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
