he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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