Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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