non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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