Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
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Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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