how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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