I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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