well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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