He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
