I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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