I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
