my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
