I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
