I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
