Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
