The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
