My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
