swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
