We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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