I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
