I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
