Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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