Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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