I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
