you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
