it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.