I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're like the curious george of whores
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.