I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who died my cat blue again?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
