Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
