You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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