I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
