I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
