What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
