On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
