Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
