I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
