he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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