After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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