we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
