Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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