so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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