woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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