come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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