My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
