I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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