my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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