He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
