maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
