i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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