And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
