its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
