i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
