Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
