how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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