I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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