I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
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Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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