I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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