I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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