Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
